Obligatory Chuck Norris Post

I might as well join in with the Chuck Norris mania that is sweeping the web, so I went to the source at Chuck Norris Facts and compiled my top ten list of favorites:

10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

9. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

8. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

7. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

6. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

5. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

4. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

3. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

2. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

1. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Speaking of physical handicaps and inebriation

I'd like to pride myself in my patience in dealing with patron's questions. I have often dealt with deaf patrons. I have also often dealt with drunk patrons. This morning, however, was my first deaf and drunk patron.

To whom I'd like to right now send a psychic suggestion: Please, for the sake of us all, one impairment at a time.

And now your moment of Engrish Zen

This is why Engrish.com is a daily web stop for me:



I love T-shirts that only make sense when your blind drunk.

What he don't know can hurt him and the entire Middle East

Goober's ignorance of basic history will be the death of Iraq (Reposted whole cloth from The Modern World):

Iraq took a lethal step closer to disintegration and civil war yesterday after a devastating attack on one of the country's holiest sites. The destruction of the golden-domed Shia shrine in Samarra sparked a round of bloody sectarian retaliation in which up to 60 Sunni mosques were attacked and scores of people were killed or injured.

The bomb attack has enraged the majority Shia population, who regard the shrine in the same way that Roman Catholics view St. Peter's in Rome.

In a number of respects civil war in Iraq has already begun. Many of the thousand bodies a month arriving in the morgues in Baghdad are of people killed for sectarian reasons. It is no longer safe for members of the three main communities ­ the Sunni and Shia Arabs and the Kurds ­to visit each other's parts of the country. - The Independent

------

"January 2003 the President invited three members of the Iraqi opposition to join him to watch the Super Bowl. In the course of the conversation the Iraqis realized that the President was not aware that there was a difference between Sunni and Shiite Muslims. He looked at them and said, 'You mean ... they're not, you know, there, there's this difference. What is it about?'" - former U.S. diplomat Peter Galbraith

Kinda like laying on the operating table and hearing the doctor ask a nurse where that "thump-thump" dohickey is.

Dangerous. Ignorant. Bastard.

Just a matter of time now...

Get your position here

Based on the "Air Hockey Principle"

How to build your own Hoverboard (via Boing Boing).

Everything but Fozzie Bear

Being addicted to both Lost and House, I needs me some recaps and reviews after each episode. Television Without Pity provides this in spades, along with some incredibly witty writing. For the latest episode of Lost, which focused on Sayid's backstory, they filled in the following text for the link to the review:

It's time to get the pliers. It's time to start some fights. It's time to pummel Others, on the Sayid Show tonight! Sawyer, he hunts a tree frog. And Hurley sneaks a bite! It all seems rather pointless on the Sayid Show tonight. Why do we always watch this? I guess we'll never know. It's kind of like a torture to have to watch the show! And now let's get things started! Why don't you get things started! It's time to get things started on the most vocational, educational, confrontational, Sayidational...this is what we call the Sayid Show! [And then Gonzo comes out and toots his trumpet, except instead of a trumpet sound, we hear Hurley saying, "Dude." Gonzo looks down the bell of his trumpet, sighs, shakes his head and walks offstage.]

Pure genius.

ah ... eh ... uh ... speechless

Not The Onion ... but an incredible simulation!

CNN Headline: Shooting victim apologizes to vice president

The mind reels. Have a good weekend, folks.

"It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business."

The 9/11 terrorist attacks were very personal, and we took them as such. Now, over four years later, with an enemy still at large, it's no longer personal for the Bush administration. It's strictly business (Via Daily Kos):

The Bush administration dismissed the security concerns of local officials yesterday and restated its approval of a deal that will give a company based in Dubai a major role in operating ports in and around New York City.

Representatives of the White House and the Treasury Department said they had given their approval for Dubai Ports World to do business in the United States after a rigorous review. The decision, they said, was final.

Dubai Ports World is buying the British company that currently operates the cruise-ship terminal on the West Side of Manhattan, one of the biggest cargo terminals in New York Harbor, and terminals in Philadelphia, Baltimore and other big ports.

Unbelievable. Let me just reiterate the points made by Think Progress on this story:

- The UAE was one of three countries in the world to recognize the Taliban as the legitimate government of Afghanistan.

- The UAE has been a key transfer point for illegal shipments of nuclear components to Iran, North Korea and Lybia.

- According to the FBI, money was transferred to the 9/11 hijackers through the UAE banking system.

- After 9/11, the Treasury Department reported that the UAE was not cooperating in efforts to track down Osama Bin Laden's bank accounts.

You know, we were allied with Afghanistan against Russia in 1981. Then we are allied with Saudi Arabia against Afghanistan in 2001. Can't wait until 2021 when we team up with our old buddies in Moscow for an all-out blitz in the Middle East!

A Hummer for Geeks

BEHOLD!

Nissan of Europe has released a bevy of images showing every nook and cranny of its upcoming Geneva-bound concept, the Terranaut. The 4x4, according to the company, was designed for "scientists, geologists, archaeologists or adventurers" whose office is the great outdoors.

I have to be totally honest with my Hummer-hating self and say quite bluntly I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FRIGGIN MILEAGE JUST LET ME IN THAT THING!!!!!!

Seriously, go check out all the other pictures at the other end of the link. The damn thing's a work of art.

My last Cheney joke, I swear!

You know how they'll have a big headline on MSNBC, say for example Ariel Sharon having a stroke, and then have an adjacent headline for what you can do to avoid a stroke or some such realted story?

Well, MSNBC gave me some perhaps unintentional side-by-side headlines last night I couldn't help but comment on:


I'd imagine the first question on that test would be, "Do you ever go on hunting trips with senior members of the Bush Administration?"

Visual Aid

A handy guide for Dick Cheney's hunting trips (via Needle Nose):

If the "Deer Avenger" video game was adapted to film

In lieu of original content, I can always rely on Worth1000.com to showcase some fantastic photoshopping that I can then show to you. In this case, it's reimagined movie posters. This is great stuff:

Heck, this would be good enough for Pay-Per-View!

On the Yahoo News page today:

Embattled U.S. skeleton coach Nardiello fired

Damn, That should teach me a lesson for not watching the Olympics this year. Once they add some zombie competitors to the mix, NBC's ratings should go through the roof.

A Post Title Correction

Although the title of my last post, which was a quote from O Brother, Where Art Thou, was entirely appropriate to the content of the post, I realized that I missed a prime opportunity to quote from one of my colleague's favorite movies. Of course, that would have resulted in one very long title, indeed, so allow me to post that quote in it's entirety here:

Navin R. Johnson: "This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going to start happening to me now!"

"We ain't one-at-a-timin' here. We're MASS communicating!"

I was originally just going to mention this over on DPN, but I decided to do some shouting from the rooftops. The website Artifact, which is a British web directory relating to the arts, has accepted my submission of La-La Land for inclusion. The entry is here.

Now, if only Yahoo would give me the time of day!

They're playing with "a mysterious girl made of" fire

Oh, boy. This falls into some movie news that I am extremely conflicted about. One of my all time favorite films is about to get a sequel nearly 25 years after the original. Via Coming Soon:

The Jim Henson Co. has set Genndy Tartakovsky to direct Power of the Dark Crystal, a sequel to 1982 fantasy film The Dark Crystal, reports Variety.

Tartakovsky, who created the animated series hits Samurai Jack, Dexter's Laboratory and Star Wars: Clone Wars, will involve his Orphanage Animation Studios to take the lead on the CG animation elements for the puppet-driven film.

Henson will secure a domestic distributor by the time the film begins production in late summer. Annette Duffy and David Odell wrote the script.

Set hundreds of years after the first film, the sequel follows a mysterious girl made of fire who steals a shard of the crystal in hopes of reigniting the dying sun.

Let's break this down:

The Good: Talent
Henson's company is in charge of this, which is very good. No mention is made of Brian Froud, the genius who originally designed all the creatures in the first film and has had a wonderful career in books (nearly all of which I own). Let's hope this is an oversight and he will be working on the sequel, as well. In terms of the director, it's an interesting choice. I have seen a few episodes of both Samurai Jack and Star Wars: Clone Wars, and I like his use of minimum dialogue and directing as if it were a silent movie. It could be a great approach. As for the writers, Duffy is a newbie and Odell helped write the original. Of course, Odell also wrote Supergirl: The Movie and Masters of the Universe: The Motion Picture, so we shouldn't have too much confidence in his involvement.

The Bad: Trend
Sequels sequels sequels. There's just too damn many of them, and I am hesitant on pulling my punches on this personal favorite. I'll grant that there is still ample material to mine in this film, and the built-in fan base is tempting, but a sequel for sequel's sake is rarely a good idea. Plus, there is the mention of CGI, which would follow the Star Wars prequel mold of replacing film of real objects with computer animated models. I though it was a bad idea when Lucas did it and I haven't changed my mind for Henson. Let's hope this is kept to a minimum, like Nick Park's judicious use in the Wallace & Gromit movie.

The Ugly: Title
I dearly hope that is a working title. It's too derivative and generic. Come up with something brand new, for crying out loud. Younger audiences probably won't get the reference, anyway, and the fans will know what it is when they see their first gelfling. The best part of the original film is the incredible originality of this foreign world. Go with that. Wow 'em in their seats. This could still be done right. And, most of all, remember where you came from.

Forest Whitaker Quote of the Month: February 2006

Bird was Forest Whitaker's first starring role after years of supporting roles in film and television. Here he plays Jazz great Charlie Parker who, like many other musicians before and after him, had a life plagued with some highs and a lot of drug-induced lows. It's a storyline we've seen quite a lot of recently with Ray and Walk the Line, but Whitaker (with the help of Director Clint Eastwood) makes the story unique and all his own.

Chan Parker - "Dizzy sent you a birthday card. Seems he's back in town. Do you owe him a phone call?"

Charlie Parker - "I owe Dizzy everything ... except a phone call."