Monday, May 02, 2005

My Official Opinion On The Runaway Bride Story:

I don't give a flying fig.

Furthermore, my sincerest wishes for the Today show and all the other morning programs and news channels is that I am not subjected to, for the remainder of this week, to interviews with the groom, the father of the groom, the mother of the groom, the father of the bride, the mother of the bride, the uncles and aunts of the bride, the various brothers, sisters and cousins of the bride, the bride's High School friends, the bride's High School Sweethearts, the bride's High School prom date, the bride's High School bus driver, woodshop teacher or cheerleading coach.

I also have no interest in hearing from the Georgia State police, the New Mexico State police, the North Dakota State Police (because they have nothing to do and have been watching the current coverage intently and have therefore become experts on the story), the Mayor of Duluth, Georgia, the District Attorney of Duluth, Georgia, the entire City Council of Duluth, Georgia (concerning current plans of naming a local sinkhole after the bride), and Gore Vidal, who once wrote a novel titled Duluth (but not about the one in Georgia).

I also have no interest in hearing from guest psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, therapists, physicists, astrophysicists, marriage counselors, grief counselors, camp counselors, Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, Dr. Joyce Brothers (There's an old reference), Dr. Frist, Dr. Pepper, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson or Pope Benedict XIV.

I also have no interest in hearing from the wedding planner, the wedding caterer, the wedding florist, the wedding band (renowned winner three years running of "Best Foghat cover band in North Georgia"), any and all of the twenty-eight groomsmen and bridesmaids, the minister, the usher, the limo chauffeur, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the tinker, the tailor, the soldier, the spy and, for no particular reason, Donald Trump.

Finally, I most definitely don't want to see a live via satellite interview from the Hollywood Hills with Julia Roberts, Richard Gere and Garry Marshall on the plans for filming their next new film this summer, Runaway Bride II: Georgia on my Mind.

Back to you, Katie.

(This can also be viewed at Blogcritics)

1 comment:

nshumate said...

"Dr Pepper" has no period in it. Just so you know.

(My extensive commentary on the whole matter: "Next time, leave a note. Capiche?")