Monday, July 18, 2005

The West Wing vs. The West Wing: FIGHT!

In the spirit of those classic one-on-one video games, let's do some matchups between the Bush White House and the Bartlet White House. For the sake of simplicity, I'm using the staff from the first two years of the Bush White House and the first two seasons of West Wing.

Match One: White House Chief of Staff
Andrew Card vs. Leo McGarry: FIGHT!

Most oddmakers give the advantage in this matchup to Card, seeing that McGarry is both a recovering alcoholic and has a weak heart. A weak heart, however, does not necessitate a weak man (See Match Six). Leo will most likely go down once in the round two. But he'll be back up, and he won't go down a second time. Look for him to hand Andrew's ass back to him in round three.

Match Two: White House Deputy Chief of Staff
Joshua Bolten & Joseph Hagin vs. Joshua Lyman: FIGHT!

In the real world, Lyman's job title is divided amongst two people for two areas (Policy and Operations). Lyman's efforts to do the work of two men has left him overworked and scatterbrained; So much so that he doesn't even know enough to capitalize on the obvious affections by gorgeous, leggy blondes. Josh can only do so much, and this two-against-one bout won't last past the first round.

Match Three: White House Communications Director
Dan Bartlett vs. Toby Ziegler: FIGHT!

Bartlett, a mainstay on the morning news shows when they need a WH comment on some controversy, is a master of smiling his way through his job. No matter the severity of the situation, he will flash that grin and chuckle through some glib insults to Democrats. Unfortunately, the ability to grin is no asset in the ring. And against such a grim MF as Zeigler, it's actually a deficit. Get ready, Dan, 'cause you're Toby's bitch, now.

Match Four: White House Deputy Communications Director
Jim Wilkinson vs. Sam Seaborn: FIGHT!

These two young turks both have the air of men with something to prove. Wilkinson, infamous in some circles for the Miami recount protest in 2000, knows how to handle people in combative situations, so he's sure to come out strong. Seaborn, a passionate lawyer who strives for perfection, will give it his best but will most likely hit the canvas by the fourth round. When he is convinced of his defeat, he will be heard to mumble meaningless gibberish as "doctorlyonsvegasden".

Match Five: White House Press Secretary
Ari Fleischer vs. C. J. Cregg: FIGHT!

Booking agents have closed shop for Match Five and aren't taking any bets. Cregg's strong and tall frame combined with her mastery of improvisational techniques make her impossible to beat. Really, the Washington Senators have a better chance against the Globetrotters than Fleischer besting C. J. "The Jackal" Cregg. Sorry, Ari, but you'll be lucky if you see round two.

Match Six: The Vice President of the United States
Dick Cheney vs. John Hoynes: FIGHT!

Cheney has developed a reputation as a pitbull both inside and outside the ring. He is not averse for grabbing a folding chair and smacking his opponent upside the head when the ref isn't looking. Hoynes talks a good talk, but simply isn't a physical match for Cheney. If the competition was based on skirt chasing, Hoynes would have the upper hand. As it stands, look for Cheney to stand triumphant, perhaps with an illegal object in one hand and Hoynes' still-beating heart in the other.

Match Seven: The First Lady
Laura Bush vs. Abbey Bartlet: FIGHT!

Despite having the occasional gleam in her eye that speaks of a beast within, Laura is a lightweight compared to Abbey. To be sure, the fight between them would last well past three rounds. Laura's energy would have her zipping to all points of the ring like a wolverine on PCP, but Abbey would eventually wear her down. After all, both women have experience dealing with sometimes troublesome husbands, and it is in those matches that we see who can take on more. Which brings us to...

Match Eight: The President of the United States
George W. Bush vs. Jed Bartlet: FIGHT!

They're past their athletic prime and they have a history of crashing their bicycles, but both are perfectly able to "Bring it on". Like Laura and Abbey, Bush and Bartlet are fully able to go the distance, and therefore all you pay-per-view folks won't feel a bit cheated. Expect this fight to go a minimum of six rounds, with both getting the living crap beat out of them in the process. Tenacity can only go so far, though, and in the end it will be a knockout delivered to the man from Connecticut by the man from New Hampshire.

The final blow will, naturally, be a mean left hook.

(This can also be viewed at Blogcritics)

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