Monday, June 27, 2005

"Mama don't like no Fritos in a bowl!"

I mentioned once before on this blog a page called 5ives: A website with a long series of hilarious top 5 lists that is periodically updated. I found myself going through it again the other day and thought I'd pass along my top five favorite lists from the site:

Five ill-advised giveaway nights at the ballpark
1. Chinese Throwing Star Night
2. Loaded .22 (with scope) Night
3. Guess Your Cholesterol and Get a Free Footlong Night
4. Leaky Bag of Urine Night
5. Nickel Absinthe Night

Five great reasons to buy a Hummer
1. You've been wanting to buy much wider groceries (but have been stymied by the timid width of your Escalade)
2. You and your make-believe wife were thinking of having 11 or 12 imaginary kids
3. You're sick of always being the environment's g*dd*mn*d bitch
4. You could totally put a keg back there and just drive around and sh*t
5. They were all out of penises

Five donations that, frankly, the food bank has had just about enough of
1. O'Hurlington's Beet Majesty in Unrendered Goo: 12-oz. Can
2. Generic-brand 12-Bean Ranchero Puffs with Cornsilk Dip'n Sauce: FunPak of 5
3. Mysterious Lady Friend's Pork Torquelinas in Brine: 14-oz. can (with attached Brinevelope)
4. "No F*ck*ng Way is This Flan!" (aka N.F.W.I.T.F.): 12 4-oz. pellets
5. Shiftless Jose's Organic Taco-style Shell Product with Embarcadero Cheezey Drizzlin's: 15-piece "Bueno Suerte" case

Five requests with regard to my eventual death
1. If it happens that my death occurred in some public place, there is to be no ersatz memorial created on that location comprised of teddy bears, mylar balloons, or terrible poems written on posterboard in pink Magic Marker. This is very, very important.
2. If you choose to have any kind of service "memorializing" me, there will be no use of the phrase "looking down on us."
3. At no time is any outraged friend or family member to appear in public looking indignant and holding up a framed photograph of me.
4. If you refer to anything I've ever done as "brave," "courageous," or "special," I will personally come back from the grave and sh*t angry ghost turds in your coffee pot.
5. If the resources exist and the weather is fine, I'd prefer to have my remains torn asunder by vicious dogs while "Tusk" is performed by an enthusiastic high school marching band.

Five odd things my hateful stepfather consumed in large quantities
1. Dutch Masters cigars
2. Turkey Salami
3. Tab
4. Head Cheese
5. Human souls

(Blog title is from this list, which recieves an honorable mention)

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