Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The Scent of Manure

I made a wonderful discovery this past weekend about something wonderfully awful.

You see, for years I have encountered men in various work and social situations who have chosen to wear, for some unfathomable reason, an aftershave scent that is closest to the smell of burning dogsh*t. I wish I could be exaggerating, but I'm not. And for these same amount of years, I was completely in the dark as to what this scent was called. I was embarrassed to actually ask these particular individuals just from fear that merely invoking the name would knock unconscious every living being within a three mile radius. Yes, it's that strong.

But this past weekend, while looking for some new incense sticks and smell-testing each in turn, I came across one pack called "Patchouli" and I sniffed.


According to the ever-popular Wikipedia, the oil has become popular despite some people's reaction to the scent as "offensive". Sorry. "Offensive" simply doesn't cut it for me in terms of degree. That's like watching your entire family get gunned down by criminals and proclaiming the experience "disquieting".

I'm far from what you'd call an expert on how to attract women, yet I'm going to make a broad, recklessly unresearched proclamation: No man in the history of the universe ever got anywhere with a woman while wearing this stuff. If I were a woman, then I'd sooner aim a firehose at you than come anywhere near your personal space.

Variety is the spice of life, guys, and you'd be better off experimenting with some other fragrances if Patchouli is your scent of choice these days. If you're not swimming in cash, then do yourself a favor and grab a store-brand bottle of vanilla from the grocery store. Put a drop behind each ear and smell like a cookie all day. Now that's what I call enticing.

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